Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
