I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
