The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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