Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
