My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
