mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Sext me about skeletons
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
