well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
