Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
