God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
