We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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