That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
