I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
