I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
