if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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