He uses pillows to masturbate.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
