All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
