You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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