I got chris browned last night
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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