Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
