I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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