Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
