Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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