it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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