i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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