So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
