I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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