She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
