I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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