I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
