im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize