the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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