i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
