just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
