I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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