Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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