There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
