***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
