I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
