my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
