you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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