Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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