the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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