I am in a vortex of obligation.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
