I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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