Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
