so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
