I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
