You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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