alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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