FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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