My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
