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I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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