Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
