Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
