i think my tv is drunk
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
