I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize