Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize