Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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