you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
