god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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