your thong is hanging out like whoa
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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