I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We have so much sex to catch up on
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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