So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
