I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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