and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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