I need help removing her.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize