I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
