i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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