Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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