He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
