6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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